Tuesday Morning

I woke up on Tuesday morning like any other morning we spent together. We woke up and held each other, like we would every day for the rest of our lives. I took a shower and got ready for work while he made a French press in the kitchen, like he would every morning in the house I imagined we would share together. I walked into the dining room, seeing that he poured coffee into the blue Publix travel coffee mug I liked so much, and my favorite cereal and the almond milk he bought for me were on my placemat.

"I'm really into that outfit you're wearing," he said.

"I'm glad to hear you say that," I replied, "because I question this shirt every time I wear it. It looks like maternity clothing."

He laughed, squeezing my hand, telling me I looked far from pregnant. He told me about a Japanese film he liked that he wanted me to see. He got up to get a glass of water, and before leaning in to kiss me, wiped a smudge of unblended makeup off my face.

"My bus will be here in eight minutes," I said.

I got up to leave, gathering my things. I zipped up my jacket and adjusted my scarf.

"I love you, Kelly. And I will miss you when you're gone," he said, before we kissed goodbye. I turned around to leave, still holding his hand. Turning back to face him, he pulled me in for another kiss. It was quick, but little did I know that it was the last one.

It doesn't quite seem real that we were in love on Tuesday, and now, with a two-minute phone call, we're strangers on Wednesday. We were only together for five months, a fraction of the time I have been and will be alive, but I convinced myself I had found my partner, the future Mr. Folkers, and the father of my children. It was a first love, but to me, it was my only love.

To say that I'm hurt would be a grave understatement. I hurt everywhere. It's a palpable, full body ache. Each day seems like a Sisyphusian feat, a constant uphill battle.

To help me process my feelings, I've started writing again, something I've wanted to do for a while now. The title of this blog comes from my favorite song by The Magnetic Fields from their epic album 69 Love Songs. I'll let the song speak for itself, since I'm finding right now that music expresses what I'm feeling better than my own words. I appreciate your support in this time, and I hope you keep reading.